new years :)

damn, it’s already 2012. i’ve always kind of dreaded this upcoming year because well, i’m in berkeley’s class of 2012 and i never really looked forward to graduation because it just means that the real world begins. i’ve always had a fear of growing up and losing my comfort that i always had at home, but i guess it’s time and i’m ready as i ever will be. 

2011 was definitely a year of surprises-some bad, but mostly good. i’m glad my aunt is still alive to see 2012 but the doctors predict that this will be her last year. she wasn’t even supposed to make it this far but i guess luck was on our side. this time last year, i found myself surprisingly heart broken again after i thought i was immune to that feeling. i am thankful today that i chose to fight instead of letting go because there was so much more to learn about you and to be honest, you have made me a better person and you are still making me a better person.

there was also that stupid fire that burned down my apartment and everything i owned in berkeley. i want to say im emotionally fine now but every now and then, something triggers a certain memory making me realize that i lost something special in the fire and i get really pissed off and bitter. but then again, possessions are just things and they can be replaced. memories will always stay in the heart and the mind. 

my relationship with my mom has always been up and down. she’s my role model and the strongest woman i know but she’s also the only person in the world that can make me so angry that i feel like running away from home. she’s extremely short tempered like most chinese moms, her eyes hurt more than her words, and she loses all control when anger takes over. yet, she’s the most… caring, the most selfless, the most giving woman in the entire world and would sacrifice a great amount if it meant that i would be coming out on top. every year she supports me no matter how much i disappoint her, and every year she tells me the same thing, “be independent. count on no one but yourself”. i haven’t achieved that yet. 

as for the new year, i want to be more focused. focused on where i’m going, focused on who i’m taking with me, and focused on making every minute of my awake hours count. i want to be less sensitive. well… maybe not less but just sensitive to the right things. i realize it’s never other people that hurt you, it’s always what you inflict onto yourself. i should just care about things really worth caring and brush off everything else off instead it taking every word to heart. like my mom says, “take it easy”.  

wow this post ended up to be a lot more serious and longer than i originally planned >__>. happy new years!!!! best of luck in 2012 :)