just reminiscing :)

it’s been almost a full year since i’ve been on tumblr and i had some time to look through my past posts today and wow, things change a lot in just a little amount of time. being absent on tumblr was always a positive sign for me, since i tend to post endlessly on here whenever i’m feeling down. i do enjoy the fact that tumblr allows me to revisit all those emotions and thoughts that i’ve forgotten about, because it makes me appreciates everything i have today even more.  

i remember writing diary entries as a child, and my mom always told me “don’t write about what you did. write about what you felt”. i’ve found that to be very helpful throughout the course of my diary/blog/journal entries, and it’s very refreshing to see how your mindset has changed throughout your life. i still have my diary from when i was around 9 years old, and it is hilarious, yet rather intriguing to see the way i saw the world back then. hopefully, ten years from now, i’ll think the same way about this entry here today. thank you online blogging!

i am so thankful to be where i am today in terms of health, living conditions, social life, and emotional stability. just a year ago, i was in total chaos, stuck in the middle of what seemed a thousand problems. i’ve hit the end of my apartment lease, but couldn’t find a place to live. i was still stuck at my dead-end job at the optometry place, not knowing what i wanted to do with my life. i was going through the most painful heartbreak of my life. i ignored all my friend’s requests to hang out, not wanting any social interaction and didn’t really give a shit about keeping in touch with people or appreciating what my friends were trying to do for me. overall, it was just a nightmare this time last year, and looking back, i’ve realized that yes, it was definitely a difficult time in my life but it has definitely motivated me to take actions and improve my life independently. i’ve always been relationship-based and heavily relied my emotions on the actions of others. i could never make myself happy. i always had to constantly search for ways to feel better about myself. i had no long-term goals and was more worried about how i would look tomorrow or what to wear rather than what i would be doing five years from now. i never invested in myself. 

today, im still not the person i want to become, but i can say with confidence that i’m closer than i was last year. today, i’m super excited about finally figuring out what i love and what i want to do and taking the actions to start the process of fulfilling my long-term goals. i honestly can’t wait to become a teacher and have a group of kids that will teach me about patience, friendship and love. today, i try my best to reach out to those i love and make sure they know i love and appreciate them. i am so thankful and not deserving of my friends, who are always there telling me the words i need to hear but don’t want to hear. now, i know more about sacrificing what i want to give others what they want, because i know they’ve already done the same for me. i feel like i’ve realized a lot of things in just the past year, and for what i have accomplished mentally, i am so proud of myself. before, i’ve never been able to go out without makeup. i even slept in makeup. i was so uncomfortable in my own skin. today, (mostly out of laziness) i can confidently walk into work and face a full day of patients with no makeup on. i much rather people find me interesting in terms of who i am rather than what i look like. i’ve also improved the relationship between me and my family, especially the bond between my mom and i. it’s always been a roller coaster with her. she’s your typical asian mom who i never understood back in middle school and high school with all her blabbering about grades and the future and blablabla, but i’ve noticed the older i get, the more i’m becoming to be like her. i find myself getting angry at things she gets angry at that i never understood why when i was young like witnessing laziness or wasting time. i find that odd things make me happy that also made her happy such as a clean kitchen or a completely checked off to-do list. im beginning to understand her, and im beginning to understand where i came from.

lastly, i am in a wonderful and healthy relationship. ive never felt so comfortable in my own skin and never had someone notice all the details of my habits and turn that knowledge into actions that make me smile everyday. he puts emergen-c packets in my purse before he leaves for work (while im still snoozing away). he’s at the door with a huge hug every day i come home from work. he has been sending me good morning texts ever since the first day we started dating. he always says “i’ve been looking forward to this all day” when we cuddle before we sleep. he’s just always… a bundle of positive energy that either lifts me up during my feeling-down days, or magnifies and adds on to my own happiness. the latter always ends up being some of my favorite days, which unsurprisingly, is hard to pinpoint these days since i’ve been loving life so much. i swear he has two emotions- happy and worried.he worries about everything, which in my opinion, is very sweet. someone who never worries usually is someone who never cares. and did i mention he likes to clean?? haha, what im trying to say is, he always pays attention to detail and i have never felt so loved and appreciated. also, august 1st, 2013 marks the day of our first date. it’s almost been a year!

wow this post was long. im just very happy today and wanted to jot down how i felt. now im feeling all giddy from writing all these happy things down and i’m not quite sure how to end this post. so i think i’ll just leave it with this idea that i’ve been basing my life on for the past year- the idea that started it all for me: 

"in the end, the biggest investment is yourself"



Posted by Olivia Reed

This couldn’t be more true

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this song really gets to me because i think it makes me realize how lucky i am and that i should be thankful for all the hardships i had to fight through to be able to be where i am today, because without them, i wouldn’t know the value of what i have, and would not be as appreciative as i am today (run on sentence of the year). i always thought i wasn’t good enough, that my faults are far greater than my attributes and that i was a burden to be with. i expected a lot out of relationships, but those expectations met reality and began to diminish as i realized the type of love i wanted doesn’t exist. i settled, and instead, tried to concentrate on the good. however, then you came along, and i honestly feel like i’m living in a disney movie. you make me feel like my expectations are no longer too much, but rather… nothing, compared to what you can give me. they say that the way you feel about yourself is most dependent on you, yourself, your own mentality. i agree with that, but it’s amazing how much another person can affect you, both positively, and negatively. in only a few months, i feel like i love myself more when i’m around you because of the way you treat me, the way you look at me, your body gestures around me, how you always move so carefully as though you think that every little motion counts, and oh it really does. this song talks about loving someone for everything they are, the good and the bad, and being able to see perfections in every imperfection. you make me feel like i’m good enough, make me feel like the good in me outweighs the bad, and that i’m worth all the efforts you put in, and that im special and not ordinary, a way i haven’t felt before. thank you so much for everything you offered and are offering me, i feel like a brand new person.

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“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”  Oscar Wilde

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